Efforts > Results: Why How We Praise Our Kids Matters

So I'm working on a book. That usually would sound a bit more exciting and energetic but I've been finished with the book since last summer and to be honest the excitement is dying down because it's still not released. I've been in the publishing process for over a year. This week, I was given another round of edits to make and the first thought that came to my mind was "what was the point? If I knew it would take this long, I wouldn't have even done it."

As I checked my own thoughts, I was reminded of how often I speak with parents about the importance of acknowledging their child's efforts just as much as they do the results. In the moment, I fell into the same trap. I'm looking forward more to the final result of a published book to be proud of than the journey and work that I have put in to get there. Don't get me wrong, results are important. However, when dealing with children and teens who are in the process of forming their identity and values we must equally attend to their efforts.

Results to your children, look like grades, wins, and successful performances. When we only show value for our child's results, it teaches them that they must prioritize performance and achievement by many means necessary—over their health, rest, peace, and joy. Before long we have created children who are addicted to perfection and the hustle of achievement. Our children become incredibly gifted and high achieving individuals with little joy and exorbitant amounts of depression and anxiety.

Let's look at how we praise and reinforce more than just the final outcome.

1. Use Specific Praise

Instead of general praise like "Good job," use specific statements that highlight the effort. Try praising their resilience and willingness to work through challenges. Call out how they utilize their strengths in various areas.

For example:

• "I really admire how hard you worked on that project."

• "You put a lot of effort into your homework, and it shows!"

• I love that you continued working on this

2. Encourage a Growth Mindset

Discuss the importance of growth and learning from mistakes. Encourage children to see challenges as opportunities to grow rather than obstacles.

3. Set Effort Goals

Help your child set specific goals related to effort, such as studying for a certain number of hours each week or practicing a skill regularly.

4. Celebrate Small Wins

Recognize and celebrate small achievements that stem from effort, such as completing a difficult task or improving a skill, regardless of the outcome.

5. Encourage Grace and Rest

We all deserve rest, regardless of our performance. Encourage your child to have fun, hang out with friends, and take breaks, even when all their work is not perfect.

Again, I understand that results are still important. But let's be honest. We cannot control the results 100% of the time, no matter how hard we try. Ultimately, we set ourselves and our children up for disappointment, when the only focus is the outcome. Some day they will study and still fail the test, prepare well and still get denied the job, love deeply and still get rejected. I want their takeaway from these experiences to not be "I am a failure" but rather "I showed up and gave my best." Every parent at some point has told their child, "as long as you do your best, that's all that matters." But who measures what is your child's best? And what happens when their best varies from season to season or day to day. Here are some suggestions to help children measure their own effort:

1. Ask Questions

Your child is evaluating themselves more than you probably realize. Before inserting your opinion of their effort, ask them how they believe they did and if there is anything they would do differently next time.

2. Self-Assessment Scales

Introduce a simple scale (e.g., 1-5) for children to rate their effort on various tasks. This helps them think critically about their commitment and dedication.

3. Discuss Challenges

Have regular discussions about challenges faced during tasks. Ask them how hard they worked to overcome these challenges and what strategies they used. Ask them what they believe might be helpful for them in the future.

4. Track Progress

Find a creative way to track progress whether that be a chart, pictures or videos to mark their progress over time. This visual representation can motivate them to keep pushing forward.

As I write this, I am equally holding myself accountable to acknowledge my efforts. As every other post I write, I hope that this informations becomes beneficial content not just told to your children but adopted by you as well. Your efforts as a parent/guardian or caregiver are valuable and worth recognition, even when the outcomes aren't perfection.