Why Do I Always Focus on the Negative? The Mental Filters We Live By

5 days ago

6 min read

The other morning, I wandered into my kitchen and over to the stove to pop some frozen biscuits into the oven for breakfast. Anthony had left his unwashed egg pan sitting on the stove, as he usually does. It didn't faze me since this is pretty normal at our house.

Then I realized I couldn't remember what temperature to set the oven on. So I walked over to the junk drawer, where I keep an extra pair of reading glasses, to see what the package said. I put on my glasses, walked back over to the stove, and stopped. Gross! This stove is filthy! It wasn't just an unwashed egg pan. There was dust, grease splatters, and spots that I hadn't noticed just a few minutes earlier. I stood there looking at it, wondering how long it had been this dirty.

I'm getting to that age when I probably need to wear my glasses more often. I've discovered that there's a rather nice benefit to declining eyesight. Your house looks considerably cleaner when you can't see the dirt. I wiped down the stove, made a mental note to get my new glasses so I could keep a better eye on things, and went on with the biscuits.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with focusing on the negative and why I'd share this information, particularly if you've ever considered coming over for dinner. Well, it's because we all have filters through which we see the world. Some draw our attention to what we want to see. Others seem particularly good at spotting everything that's wrong. They influence what we notice, what we overlook, and what we believe about the things happening around us. And most of the time, just like me standing in my kitchen without my glasses, we don't even realize what we're missing.

Sometimes it takes someone else to point out what we've been missing. A therapist, for example. Or just putting on your glasses.

What Are Mental Filters, Anyway?

Have you ever worn a pair of tinted sunglasses? I have a pair with these brown lenses. Whenever I wear them outside, the grass looks brown, the sky is dull, and everything seems a bit lifeless. Then I take them off and voilà! The grass is green again. Nothing around me changed. It was the lenses.

Smiling woman lifts amber sunglasses in front of a cream RV, wearing striped Dickies overalls outdoors.

Our minds work much the same way. Throughout our lives, our experiences, relationships, successes, and disappointments shape how we see ourselves and the world. Psychologists call these mental frameworks schemas. But for our purposes, let's just call them lenses. They're pretty useful, actually. They help us make sense of life and figure out what to expect from people and situations. Much like my sunglasses protecting my eyes from the Florida sunshine.

Throughout our life, we develop some strong beliefs. Maybe you believe most people are trustworthy, you're capable of handling challenges, or things generally work out. But some beliefs can color our experiences in less helpful ways. If you've learned that people will eventually let you down, a missed phone call might feel like rejection. If you believe mistakes mean you're incompetent, one error at work can ruin an otherwise good day. And if your worth depends on productivity, even an afternoon on the couch can leave you feeling guilty.

We tend to notice whatever supports what we already believe. If you're convinced someone can't be trusted, you may interpret an innocent mistake as evidence that you were right about them all along. On the other hand, if you're convinced someone is absolutely wonderful, you might overlook some pretty questionable behavior. It's those brown lenses all over again.

Psychologists call this confirmation bias. We see what we expect to see, often without realizing how much we're leaving out (like blue skies and green grass). And once we've made up our minds about something, we humans can be remarkably difficult to convince otherwise.

Why Do I Always Focus on the Negative?

Ever wonder why you can do twenty things right and spend the rest of the day thinking about the one thing you messed up? Your boss tells you you're doing a great job, your coworkers appreciate you, but there you are, driving home, replaying that one mistake. By the time you get home, you've practically forgotten everything else that happened that day.

This is what psychologists call mental filtering. One unpleasant detail gets so much attention that it colors how you remember the entire experience. You had a good day, accomplished quite a bit, and even received a compliment. But somehow, that one mistake has become the headline.

And we do this with all sorts of things. A wonderful vacation becomes the trip where the airline lost your luggage. A lovely family gathering becomes the Thanksgiving when your sister made that comment about your cooking. The rest of the experience is still there, of course. We've just allowed one part of it to tell the whole story.

Our mental filters and existing beliefs often work together, shaping what we notice and how we feel about it. And as long as life seems to confirm our version of things, we're usually pretty comfortable with it. It's when something challenges that picture that things get uncomfortable.

What Happens When Our Beliefs Don't Match Reality?

Hi! My name is Carissa. I am a recovering perfectionist. I've been using that line as a joke for years. Sadly, it's not much of a joke. For a long time, my lenses filtered out the need for rest, fun, or pleasure. All I could see was how much I needed to accomplish. As long as I was checking things off my list, I felt pretty good about myself. But an afternoon on the couch? Unacceptable. Get your butt off the couch you lazy cow. (Ouch!)

One benefit of being a therapist is hearing enough stories that sound like yours to recognize your own junk. I've met many women who believed their worth depended on what they accomplished. At some point, it dawned on me: Hey, that's what I've been believing about myself! That belief helped us accomplish quite a bit over the years, but it also kept us focused on whatever remained unfinished.

It's a little like my stove. Without my glasses, I couldn't see the dirt. Through my perfectionist lenses, I couldn't see how much I was actually accomplishing or recognize my worth apart from it. I'd spent years collecting evidence that I wasn't doing enough, and I could explain away almost anything that suggested otherwise.

After all, it's rather unsettling to discover that something you've believed about yourself for years might deserve another look.

Maybe It's Time to Look Through a Different Lens

Of course, sometimes we are right. There really was dirt on my stove. Some relationships are difficult, some situations need to change, and sometimes we've genuinely messed up. But how often do we draw conclusions without considering what else might be true?

It helps to get curious about our own thinking. The next time we're frustrated with someone, disappointed in ourselves, or convinced we know exactly what's going on, perhaps we should ask ourselves what we're assuming and where that belief came from. Or simply ask: What am I seeing, and what might I be missing?

Optometrist adjusting a phoropter while a woman points during an eye exam in a bright clinic, focused and attentive

We may discover that we've been right all along. Or we may find something that changes our understanding of ourselves or someone else.

As for me, I think I'll start wearing my glasses more often.

At least in the kitchen.

A Little Help Seeing Things Differently

Have you been asking yourself, why do I always focus on the negative? Well, sometimes our beliefs and thinking patterns become so familiar that it's difficult to recognize how they're affecting us. Counseling can help us understand where those patterns developed, how they influence our emotions and relationships, and what we might want to reconsider.

At Every Girl Living, we help women explore those patterns and develop practical tools for living well.

Schedule a free consultation to learn more about our counseling services.

Schedule a FREE Consultation Here